


not your girl

by madfatty



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 08:10:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8136832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madfatty/pseuds/madfatty
Summary: They're back together, but not everything can be the way it was. Post Series two finale.





	

She’s shy with him sometimes. In some ways, even more so than the first time they got together. And she’s sad sometimes too. And he hates it. That after all they’ve been through, he could still be making her sad, because he never wants to hurt her again.

They’re kind and careful with each other and things are good between them, most of the time.

They’ve had sex, more than once and it was amazing, more than amazing in fact and she seems to be getting more comfortable with her body when it’s with his body and he loves that he can show her how much he wants her but there are times, like now, when they’re in his room, or hers, and they’re coiled around each other and it’s still sweet and soft but a hair’s breadth away from being fevered and messy and he just has to tell her what this means or he’ll go crazy and just like that, she’ll stiffen and pull away and grow quiet and distant and he’s not quite sure what he’s done. He thinks maybe sometimes his enthusiasm is a little too much for her. He tries really hard to follow her lead and stick to her pace but sometimes he can’t help it.

She takes all the warmth with her as she moves to the chair, perched on the edge of it like she will take flight any second. She’s still deliciously flushed and tousled from their kissing but now she’s on the other side of the room and it hurts his heart to see his beautiful girl so wary of him. There’s a brief period of confusion as his lust-addled body adjusts to the loss of her and his head clears. Even though he doesn’t know exactly what it’s for, he apologises. Sorry is the first word in his mouth all the time now. She must be able to taste it on his tongue.

He doesn’t want to ask what’s wrong, doesn’t want to give her the opportunity to break up with him again but he knows he has to. He can’t go on not knowing. He won’t make that mistake again.

He moves towards her slowly, plants himself at her feet, his arm outstretched to soothe her, to assure her he means her no harm, to catch her if she runs.

“Rae…” he starts, and her head dips lower so he can’t see her face behind the dark veil of her hair.

“Please girl, talk to me. Tell me what’s the matter.”

It takes a long time for her to look up at him and he can see how hard she’s trying not to cry. _She’s so strong_ he thinks and his heart fills again. Sometimes he thinks he made her up. Built her from all the little scraps of all the heroes he ever heard of into exactly what he needed. Pinned the tiny shards of his hope to the shadow that she showed him. But there are times when he knows that can’t be true; he would never have used the dark colours she sometimes cloaks herself in, to him she is sunlight and steel.

 _I love you. I love you. I love you._

“Please don’t call me that anymore.” she says finally, into her lap.

He leans in closer to her to catch her words. “Call you what?” he whispers back, confused. “Girl?”

_But that’s who she is. His girl, every girl, the only girl; he thought he’d made that clear. She’s the only one he wants._

“Wha… I don’t understand, Rae. I thought you liked… “

_It was the only pet name for her she’d let him use. He’d tried a few different ones, babe and darlin’ and the now admittedly awful hon, but she’d scoffed at him and made a face and shook her head ‘no‘, until he flushed hot and pink. ‘Girl’ she seemed to tolerate and he was only allowed to call her ‘Mae’ when they were alone._

She shakes her head once and he watches helplessly as she swiped briskly at her eyes. “It’s stupid I know” she whispers, her voice in little broken bits “but I thought it was just for me. I didn’t know it’s what you call all your girlfriends.”

“I don’t. I didn’t. There was never…” _There never was. Not like this. If he had to, he would open his chest and show her there had never been anyone else like this._

“You called Olivia ‘girl’.” She looks at him then. It’s not quite an accusation but he feels the sting of it anyway when he sees the weight of it hang heavy on her.

_But I didn’t, Rae. I didn’t._

***

He winces when he says it. It’s not his fault, it just slipped out but now he’s given himself away and she’s going to know this thing with Olivia isn’t real. Rae acts like she hasn’t even heard him though, and the reason he knows that is because his eyes can’t help but flicker towards her to see; too much hope that there’ll be a reaction, but there is none and he’s angry again because as far as he can tell, she’s erased it all. She’s denying the existence of the one good thing he had and that’s not fair. It’s cruel and if he could hate her, this is where he’d start.

He knows his focus should be on Olivia but how can it be when Rae is sitting right there, so close he could reach out and touch her after all this time of only dreaming about it. He wants to say her name out loud, over and over and not just to himself while he’s driving in his car, crying to the mixed tape she’d made him or in his room, in his bed, touching himself, wishing it was her. He wants to sit with her and say her name and have it mean something, but he’s not allowed to. She’s not his girl anymore. You can’t hold all that inside you, have it squirm under your skin like swarming bees and expect that some of it won’t leak out. It’s a danger every time he opens his mouth. Stupid heart.

Olivia seems to think it was meant for her and she shines on it, so if it makes her happy to think that, he’ll let her. It’s just one more shitty thing on the huge pile of shitty things he’s done lately.

Rae runs away again and he figures it’s because she’s bored with his obvious pining when she just wants to forget it ever happened. But then Archie follows him outside when he slinks off to be alone and he’s never been this angry with Finn before. All red in the face and hard eyed and yelling and it hurts. Archie’s supposed to be his best friend, supposed to take his side, not Rae’s and for someone who’s supposed to know him better than anyone, Archie is doing a shit job of understanding how hard this is for Finn. Out of everyone, Archie should be able to tell that Finn’s miserable, but he’s standing there, tearing Finn a new arsehole for being insensitive and Finn’s mouth drops open because seriously, can he not see that Finn is barely holding on?

“I’m insensitive? How can you say that to me, Arch? When you know… you know what I…” and he has to stop. His throat is burning on the sob he’s holding down and the pressure behind his eyes is making him feel like his head is about to explode.

“Yeah, _I_ know Finn. But _she_ doesn’t. Don’t you care how she feels?”

“That’s the point, Arch.” Finn chokes out vehemently. ” _She_ doesn’t care. She’s made it perfectly clear she doesn’t feel anything.” He can hear how pathetic he sounds, a petulant little boy who’s been wronged by the world and resentful that no one seems to sympathise. He can’t help it; it’s how he feels.

Archie stares at him incredulously. “For fuck’s sake,’ he mutters under his breath and shakes his head, like he’s done with Finn and he turns to walk away.

“Tell me what I’m supposed to do, Arch. I don’t know what to do.” Finn pleads. If Archie gives up on him, he’ll have lost everyone who understands him. Seconds later he’s pulled into a fierce hug. Archie holds onto him while Finn tries to pull air down into his lungs past the stone in his chest.

“Maybe she’ll come ‘round. Just try and hold on,” he says into Finn’s hair. It’s the shittest advice Archie’s ever given him.

***

He doesn’t know how to fix this. This is one of those times when no matter how hard he tries, he won’t be able to reach her and he’s frightened. He’s only just got her back. He knows there’s nothing he can say right now that she will hear but he has to try.

“I’m sorry, Rae.” And he’s not ashamed of the way his voice cracks around the words. He remains sitting at her feet; far enough away that she won’t feel caged but close enough for her to reach him if she chooses to. He knows he can’t be the one to touch her first, so he waits.

They sit like that for a long time, until his knees cramp up and the room grows darker but he doesn’t move. He thinks about how far they’ve come and how far they still could go, if she’ll just let them. He remembers how it was in the beginning, the first time he got to kiss her and touch her and hold her and he remembers how it was when he didn’t have those things anymore and how it nearly broke him.

So what, if for all her words, she can’t find a way to tell him. He doesn’t care. He’ll learn to say all the words for both of them. She said it once and he’ll find a way to live on once. He’ll make do with just knowing it, not hearing it because he’s just so bloody grateful to have it back. He’ll try a million different things and hope that Rae will let just one of them work. He wants this so bad.

It’s growing in his head, this resolution of his, this open promise to the universe, a fervent prayer to any and all who will listen. He opens his eyes to find her studying him long and hard and he doesn’t shy away from her scrutiny. He lets her see it all. She shifts, ever so slightly forward, and her lips crease in a small sad smile. He can’t help but lean forward too. Smile back at her.

“I’m sorry too, Finn.” She offers, and it means all the more knowing how much she struggles with saying it out loud. “I know you’re working hard for us, I see it and I appreciate it, I really do.”

“It’s ‘cause I’m selfish Rae. I want to be with you. No one else. Just you.” He wriggles closer to her until they are only separated by a breath. 

“I want that too.” It’s more than relief when she brushes her fingers hesitantly over the side of his face and he can’t help the little moan that escapes his lips as he melts into her touch.

She holds herself still, doesn’t bend to his want. She wets her lips and takes a breath.

“I know it’s just a word, and it shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is and I’m trying. I want to be okay with everything, but…” Her eyes are big and damp when she turns them on him, but there’s also a dogged resolve he recognises all too well. “It hurt me Finn, and every time you say it, it hurts me again because it’s not my word anymore. I guess it never really was.”

He recognises the danger. This is where he runs, frightened to face her displeasure and the damage he’s unwittingly done… and what it could rob him of.

“It’s only ever been yours.” He captures her hands and tugs her down towards him gently, sliding back to make room for her on the floor.

“Can I tell you something, Rae? Will you listen if I tell you?”

She bristles, indignant at the inference in his question and he worries that he’s said the wrong thing, pushed too far, but if they are going to be together, she’ll have to want it to, so he waits, quietly watching her work her way through it until she begrudgingly agrees. But he gets caught up in the feel of her now that he can touch her, dragging his fingers over hers, tracing her palms with delicate strokes,

“Oh no, I didn’t mean….” He laughs gently at her puzzled look, raises her hands to his lips to drop kisses on her skin. “I thought we’d do this the old-fashioned way and actually talk.” He says, as he pulls her close and begins.

**Author's Note:**

> Posted to tumblr 14/08/16


End file.
